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Welcome! After several years of just having my fics in the memories section of slashatthedisco, I've decided to compile a listing here of everything for your ease and enjoyment of reading my (mostly smutty) goodness.

I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read one of my stories, please feel free to comment and add any constructive criticism you like! And please feel free to add me as a friend!


Love Hits (Ryan/Brendon, rated R for drug use)
Brendon has a crappy day at high school and Ryan helps to cheer him up.

The Perfect Present (Ryan/Brendon, Jon/Brendon, Spencer/Brendon, rated NC-17 for smut, kink, spanking)
Brendon's annoying and his bandmates decide to give him a present for his twentieth birthday that he'll never forget.

I Want (poem) (rated R for language)
Just a short poem intended to be from Brendon to Ryan.

South of the Border part one
  part two (Ryan/Brendon, Jon/Spencer, rated R for language and themes)
The boys decide that they need a break from working on the new album and decide to take a little holiday. Brendon, not happy with their destination selection, decides to take them where he wants to go at the last second. Hilarity and homosexuality ensues.

Night In The Afternoon (Ryan/Brendon, rated R for drug use)
Ryan and Brendon are hanging out in Ryan's room, the very last night before he will move out and new owners will take over the house. Written before we had lyrics to the song and before I realized what Brendon was actually singing in that line, haha.

Sodapop (Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for smut, weed, spanking)
There are rumors and a cute boy at Brendon's new school.

Brendon's First Time (Ryan/Brendon, rated R)
Brendon's tries something out for the first time with the help of Ryan. Humor.

There's A Reason These Tables Have Turned, Honey...You'll Get It Soon Enough
(Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for smut, cross-dressing, bondage)
Another story of mine where Ryan has to teach Brendon some sort of lesson.

A Vicious, Delicious Cycle
(Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for spanking, smut)
Brendon thinks school paddlings are just a big tease.

Jingle All The Way
(Ryan/Brendon, rated R for smut, kink)
Some kinky Christmas smut complete with singing and costumes.

Slick Quattro (Ryan/Brendon/Jon/Spencer, rated NC-17 for kinky GSF, butt plugs and bukkake)
The boys of Panic have raunchy plans for the evening. Has nothing to do with razors, lol.

Denied (Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for smut, cross-dressing)
Brendon dives into his and Ryan's new kink, only there's one problem...Ryan hates Brendon's new haircut. Written when Brendon had that awful shaved head thing going on.

Three's Company, Too (Ashlee/Pete/Ryan, implied past Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for threesome, double penetration)
Ashlee and Pete kind of have this seventies swinger thing going for them. Ryan's got the perfect sideburns to be in their threesome.

Brendon's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week (Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17 for lots of spanking)
As Brendon prepares himself for the hopeful, he reflects on his behavior this past week, and all the punishments that have resulted from it.

Just Wait A Second (Greta/Patrick, rated R for spanking)
Greta pesters Patrick about something she wants to try, and Patrick reacts when he cannot get a word in edgewise. Coda to Brendon's Terrible...Week.

Writing Research (Ryan/Brendon, rated NC-17)
Brendon catches Ryan doing a bit of research for his latest story. Brendon decides to help.

Hush (Spencer, Ryan, rated NC-17)
Spencer daydreams during an interview.


There's Always A Gray Area
(Jon/Brendon, sort of Ryan/Brendon)
one  two  three  four  five  six  seven  eight  nine  ten  eleven  twelve  thirteen  fourteen  fifteen
Brendon comes out to his bandmates and things around and about them slowly begin to change as well. Good ole love-traingleish story. Lots of bad puns. WIP that WILL BE COMPLETED before February 2010.

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? (Ryan/Brendon, Jon/Spencer, some intermingling in some chapters)
one  two  three  four  five  six  seven  eight  nine  ten  eleven  twelve  thirteen  fourteen  fifteen  sixteen  seventeen  eighteen  nineteen  twenty  twenty-one
Brendon has given Ryan free reign to punish him when he deems necessary. Jon and Spencer follow suit. Entire fic revolves around spanking and is a work in progress that has no intention of ever being concluded.

Be Here Now (Brendon/Shane, Brendon/Ryan)
Brendon goes crazy and Ryan goes crazy, though they both do so in opposite directions. What shapes our perceptions of the world, how pliable are our minds? Deals with brainwashing, meditation, drug use and abuse.
One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen
Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty Twenty-One Twenty-Two

Disappearing Act/Panic's New Song

I have come back to the livejournal interwebz after a looooooong hiatus. I'm not sure how long, I didn't check. But I don't remember the last time I posted either.

But after signing in to my ND account and listening to the post of Panic's song "Mona Lisa," I of course felt compelled to see what the kidz on the ole LJ had to say about it. And after reading the comments, maybe it's me, not them, lol.

Frankly, I'm underwhelmed. I had low expectations that unfortunately this song didn't meet. I won't completely write them off yet, though, I know there's other songs to be had on an album, and I'm hoping at least one strikes my fancy. But I'm not keeping my hopes up. I wasn't a fan of New Perspective, either- except for when Brendon played it acoustically at Angels and Kings, it is beautiful acoustic.

So, my Panic infatuation might be completely laid to rest with the release of this new album. But honestly, I'm not bothered. I've recently fully-discovered Tegan and Sara (I've owned and enjoyed their album So Jealous since 05, but never expanded beyond that until recently for reasons unknown [because I was too busy being obsessed with PATD!]) and have listened to nothing but them in the past month. And they are fucking brilliant. And funny and adorable. And I am not compelled in any way to write fan fiction about them, lol. I'm perfectly content fantasizing about making out with Sara in some parc in Montreal while sipping our takeout from Second Cup. Perfectly content :)

I hope you all have been treating yourselves well. If not, well what are you waiting for, go get some peanut butter cups, you deserve it!

Need to rant rant rant

I'm coming out of hiding right now because I really need to talk about this article right the fuck now.

http://msnbc.polls.newsvine.com/_question/2010/08/03/4806803-should-new-york-have-cleared-the-way-for-a-mosque-to-be-built-near-the-world-trade-center-site?threadId=1033839&pc=25&sp=25#short comment

I have never, ever, ever been more ashamed to be an American than I have reading those comments. I cannot even fathom the ignorance! Have we forgot about the fucking Inquisition??? The atom bombs, the Christian killers, the white men shooting up workplaces and schools??? What the hell is wrong with people, really?

There's only one way to describe this ignorance, and it's fucking racism. And it breaks breaks breaks my fucking heart, what a time in the world when we have all the means to get along and to better everything for all of us and these IGNORANT RACIST FUCKS have to RUIN EVERYTHING!!!

What can I do, what can I do?? World, we are not all this ignorant over here. Trust me, world, when I tell you that America has been stolen from the Americans as well. I am one of the mythical Americans who wants to better everything and help the world and create a space where everyone from all over the world can melt together in harmony. I am a myth because I was always taught this myth and I believed in it.

The myth is not America, I see. America is a racist, America is a sexist, America is a Christian fanatical extremist wanting to stuff everyone else into a tiny pipe hole and then shoot us into the center of the world where they will run their cars off the energy of our broiling anger.

Every day I come to terms with the fact that my depression is external. My depression is external, there is nothing inside of me to dissolve away in a pill except for my ability to think and care. I will not feel better until the world feels better, and I will never feel better until this bullshit fucking stops.

I'm so ashamed to be a white American with a Christian background. And for damn good reasons.
Things I was supposed to do tonight: type stories.

Things I actually did tonight: drank 3 beers, wrote an email, listened to The Strokes and had an orgasmic experience

My life, it's good times.

A history of violence

Gunmen opened fire at a military deployment place today.

All the school shootings in the past ten years.

Murder every single day in every single place.

Why is there no worldwide discussion about this? Where are the supposed leaders when all this occurs, and how do they respond? We hear of snippets of their comments in media reports, but that's about it. And it's not good enough.

It's time for television to take a turn. It's time for the internet to take a turn, but honestly, I think television would reach more people. I think it would be more effective.

We have these great means of communicable technology and we're not using them to better the world. We're not using them to heal society, and our society needs healing, because it is very, very sick. We need forums where everyone has a say, and they need to be televised. We need to start talking about this influx of violence, because without talking, it is not going away. And if there are talks being had, it's not reaching the masses of people, and so it does nothing for all of us hurting and does nothing to prevent the next sick fuck from going apeshit.

The ME culture has turned deadly. The money focused culture has turned deadly. Did we think it could end any other way?
It can't be.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and the rest of the reporting precincts in Maine overthrow this bullshit, but right now Maine is losing their Prop 1 fight. And by losing, I mean it's being voted yes and winning by a stupid slim margin.


It feels like California all over again. Only this time, I didn't do anything, I didn't make any phone calls, and I feel like it's my own damn fault. But really, it's not. How could half of the voting population in a state really hate gay people? What is WRONG with them? And no, I don't think there's a difference between not wanting to extend the same stupid ass rights of a crappy instituation to gay people and hating gay people themselves.

Seriously, if this happens, I want to kick Maine out of the Big E. I love the Big E. Hate has no place.

Come on, the rest of New England is awesome enough to love everyone, why do those shitty people have to suck so much? I'm so not eloquent when I'm angry and I don't care.

It's a time like this where I want to give Richard Blumenthal, our CT attorney general, and give him a thanks for not opening our state's gay marriage up to debate and for realizing a vote would be entirely unconstitutional.

We will eventually win in California, AGAIN, I know we will, but what will happen to Maine?

My heart, so heavy. Those who voted yes on Prop 1, you've shamed New England. New Hampshire and Vermont don't want you touching them and Canada, an entire country that has gay marriage, the largest in the world, sure as fuck doesn't want you touching it either. GTFO. Go hang out with Iceland or someplace else that can maybe knock some sense into your backwards thinking minds, because you clearly don't feel the positive energy over here.

Apparently I'm into this lists thing now

1) Halloween party. Dressed up as Ryan Ross. Pictures to come. Not a single person knew who I was, but I dressed up only for me, after all. Never felt more queer in my life, being surrounded by girls in naughty nurse, sexy cop, powerpuff girl, sexy cavewoman, angel, sexy sailor, etc. costumes.

2)Sometimes, I just have to giggle. This is how much I love myself.

3) New chapter of AKIN!!! Wtf? So excited.


5)I am a nerdy nerd with faraway eyes. I know exactly what I mean and you don't because I'm that much of  a nerd :p

6) Cheater, cheater, PUMPKIN EATER.

7) I originally stole this list idea from Harmony Korine, fun fact. He didn't invent lists or anything, but I'm probably one of twelve people who bought his book A Crackup At The Race Riots...and lists were born for me.

8) I will smile in my sleep.


He is SERISOULY trying to KILL me with his fucking CUTENESS, isn't he?

That was just...to cute cute for one tweet. My mind is so blown I didn't even realize I'd typed cute twice in that last sentence. I'm keeping it.

thisisryanross Choose your own adventure http://twitpic.com/nlb57 http://twitpic.com/nlawg http://twitpic.com/nlawr http://twitpic.com/nlawh

Too cute for words.

There is nothing not good about this picture...the RAD ASS BUS, the SCOOTER, the ouftit, the GIANT WINGSPAN, that look of contentment and wit on his face...oh, and the California sunshine of course!!

It's good to see he's home, I was getting scared for a hot second that he was gonna move to NYC. Also, did he seriously not have a single friend to drop him off at LAX?

My Ryan Ross Infatuation

Those of you who know me know two very basic things about me.

1)I am queer.

2)I am hopelessly infatuated with Ryan Ross.

Both of these things work entirely independently and yet alongside each other. Yes, I think Ryan is amazingly pretty. Yes, I seem to love everything he does. Yes, I can spend hours looking at pictures of him and he never, ever looks anything less than beautiful to me. I think he's witty and charming and funny and smart and, above all, talented. So talented that I think he has something special.

This being said, I'm tired of being teased by my mother about being obsessed with him. I'm not obsessed, mother, I'm infatuated, and yes, there is a difference. She thinks I want to be with him. There's nothing more frustrating or annoying than, ten years after coming out to her, having to defend my sexuality against this.

I finally told her about going to NYC last Thursday, and she reacted just as I knew she would and yet somehow exactly opposite of what I imagined. I always imagine her reacting to things I say completely different and I don't know why I ever expect the reactions I do. I don't know why I can't accept the person she is. She's the mother I have but she's not the mother I need. This extends beyond the Ryan thing, but on this topic I finally told her and she made all these faces and told me I'm obsessed. I told her I spoke to him and gave him a hug and she said "but you've met him before". Mom, that's not the point. You don't get it, you don't get me, and you never will, and that hurts every day I live here. I know I'm pathetic being at home at 24 but circumstances have led me here and I'm doing the right thing with this schooling, I know I am.

She wonders why I lie to her. I always eventually tell her the truth, but at first, whenever I've just done what I've done and want to revel in the joy of taking my life in my own hands, I won't tell her what I did. And she'll ask where I was and I'll have to lie because she makes me feel nothing but guilty. She's never happy at my little accomplishments, never happy or proud that I follow my passions- all of my passions she calls obsessions. I'm a spontaneous person with no fear in my heart and she hates that about me.

I want to come home to someone who smiles at me. I want to come home. California is waiting. Soon, bb, soon.

Also, I'm going to be Ryan for Halloween. I love it.